Adult pain about parents is often confusing because it can include love, loyalty, and grief at the same time. This is common, and it doesn’t require “villains.”

Signs the dynamic is still shaping you

• You feel responsible for their emotions

• Boundaries trigger guilt or panic (“I’m a bad child”)

• You over explain to avoid conflict

• Criticism hits like danger, not feedback

• You can’t tell what you want vs what they want

What attachment research suggests

Adult attachment patterns (anxiety/avoidance) have robust associations with mental health outcomes in meta-analytic research.
That doesn’t mean “blame parents”, it means early relational learning can shape how safe closeness feels, how you regulate emotion, and how you interpret conflict.

Practical boundary scripts

• “I’m not discussing that.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I’ll think about it and get back to you.”

• “If this turns into yelling, I’m ending the call.”

What therapy tends to do here

• separate care from responsibility

• build tolerable boundaries (small and consistent)

• work with guilt/shame as learned emotions

• strengthen self-trust so choices feel safer

General information only. If you’re at risk, call 000 or Lifeline 13 11 14.

References

• Zhang, X., Zhang, Y., & Li, Y. (2022). The relationship between adult attachment and mental health: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology.